April 24. By Jon Show. When my kids get grumpy for reasons I deem unworthy I perform the Grumpy Panties test, by which I chase them around until I catch them and then yank their underwear out of their shorts and ultimately declare that they need to go upstairs and not come back down until they’ve changed out of their grumpy panties.
Why? Because no one is interested being around you if you’re going to wear your grumpy panties.
The word panties in this instance is gender neutral so it applies to the boy and the girl. The practice began when I first tried it on The Mother of Dragons a few years ago. It should be noted that I tried it a second time – but not a third – because I didn’t want to get punched in the face.
I use this inarguably poor parenting technique to segue to an observation over the last couple weeks.
A lot of you need to go need to go home, go to your rooms, take off your clothes and change out of your grumpy panties.
Here are three examples from Wednesday alone.
Every morning I get on my skateboard and weave around Robbins Park while either sitting on conference calls or listening to daily news updates. I’m always conscious of distancing and make sure that if someone is approaching on the same sidewalk – and he/she seems extra cautious – that I change direction or I step off the board and wait for them to pass.
On Wednesday, while weaving in the middle of the road because there are no cars out – a woman biked up behind me with a face mask on and started yelling at me to pick a side.
I frequently check behind me when I ride in the road so I’m not sure how she got so close without me noticing. I wasn’t trying to be discourteous. It just happened. I apologized and she pedaled off muttering something I couldn’t understand.
Shortly after that I made my way home – now paranoid of septuagenarian bike riders in 3M dust masks. A service van pulled out of Kings Point heading north on West Catawba and a car traveling in the same direction – which was never remotely close enough to cause an accident – held onto his horn for 400 straight yards to express his displeasure at the van.
A couple hours later I walked into Publix to load up on $5 sushi for dinner – the only affordable way a hungry family of four can eat sushi and not require a federal stimulus check to pay for it.
I walked straight to the counter and said hi to the women behind it and then looked in the case for roughly 15 seconds – trying to be considerate and make selections before I picked them up, instead of shifting boxes around and touching everything.
To my right I heard a sigh so loud and obnoxious that it sounded like something my kids would do if I walked around the neighborhood waving at cars without wearing a shirt. The person apparently was unhappy for having to wait one hot minute.
I grabbed a couple packs and backed up to give the guy plenty of room because I assumed he was in a rush.
He then approached the counter and – in a less-than-courteous-voice – placed a special order so loud that the entire deli section was quite aware that he wanted NO AVOCADO on his sushi roll. And then he stood in front of the counter for ten minutes waiting for it.
I only used three examples from this week but I could have listed at least a dozen I’ve witnessed in the last couple weeks. I keep hearing about people mistreating grocery store employees – what kind of sociopath is rude to anyone at a grocery store right now?
Look, the world is weird right now, I get it. I’m really tired of all of this, too. My kids are here all day and my wife talks on the phone so loud I have to go outside to work and my entire industry will be among the last to emerge from however long this shutdown lasts.
Also, we’re relatively lucky so far compared to other areas and we live in a great town with plenty of space to roam, but I know it’s impossible to always look on the bright side. At some point you’re going to get frustrated. I do, too.
Each of us is entitled to become annoyed or angry or impatient right now. But you are NOT entitled to become annoyed or angry or impatient with other people.
If you can’t manage that then you need to go home, go to your room, take off your clothes and change your damn underwear. Or listen to the governor and stay at home.
No one is interested being around you if you’re going to wear your grumpy panties. 
Jon Show lives in Robbins Park with his wife, who he calls “The Mother of Dragons.” Their 10-year-old son is “Future Man” and their 7-year-old daughter is “The Blonde Bomber.” Their dog is actually named Lightning.
